Damn. I was aiming for CEO.

My old bathing suit basically disintegrated along the back seam. I don't really understand why, so I've decided it's because I am getting so strong, developing such an impressive swimmer's back, that my bathing suit couldn't withstand it and began to stretch to its very limit-- Incredible Hulk style. Or it may have something to do with chlorine. Whatever.

I am in the locker room in my brand new bathing suit. There is one other woman there.

"I like your bathing suit," she says.
"Thank you!" I reply brightly.
"You look like a secretary," she says, not without admiration.


Um...what?

Style Guide

Thank God for MSN. I appreciate their efforts to break down tiresome stereotypes and help women to be the very best that they can be:


Out on the town with the girls

Out on the town often means dressing to the nines, dancing and meeting a lot of men. These evenings call for a look that makes you feel hot (or at least hotter than your friends).

Some guidelines: Sheer shirt with no bra = no good. See-through (or netted) white shirt with black bra = tacky. Backless tank with full front coverage = sexpot. These style tips will help get you into the trendiest clubs -- and get you home with most phone numbers.

On dates

If you really want to go for "the innocent, but really not so innocent" look, try a slipdress. The spaghetti straps will showcase your shoulders and the tight fit on the top will keep his eyes glued to all the right areas.

[So that would be what? Your eyes?]


Working it when you're working out

Men are more inclined to notice those of us who work it right while we are working out. That means showing off the curves, lifting the chest and sucking in the stomach.

The whole truth

I have agreed to participate in some sort of survey about what radio stations I listen to. Since I only listen to three, it might be easier to just send the nice survey people a postcard with the tiny list and move on. Instead, I am supposed to fill out an elaborate chart for a week. For each day, all day, I must list the station name, the time I start listening and the time I stop. Clearly, the goal here is specificity.

Okay. So, I know the station and I know that I start listening at 7:15am. I'm not sure though how to account for the snooze alarm. I don't think there are enough lines on the chart for me write: on for 45 seconds, off for seven minutes, on for 28 seconds, off for seven minutes...

Best left unsaid

Last night the Trader Joe's checker carded me for my bottle of four dollar cabernet sauvingon. Because I am 34, I found this delightful and said so.

"I don't know," he said. "People up here look so much younger. It must be the air. The fog or something. [Pause] I used to work at a Southern California Trader Joe's and...."

He just shakes his head at the memory.

MapQuest

"You searched for '3854 Main, San Francisco, CA 94118', MapQuest did not find this exact address, but found one very similar: '3854 Main Street, San Francisco, CA 94118-3211.'"

Yeah. Thanks. That one will be fine.