Broken news

I planned to say "breaking news" but I think we're about 6 hours too late for that.

1. I went to the gym BEFORE work this morning. There is no reason whatsoever that you should care about this, except that it is a MIRACLE. I also seemed to have pulled basically every muscle in my neck and shoulders because maybe I am a very bad swimmer? But I arrived there at a time when I am usually hitting the snooze alarm and therefore I am a Champion of Fitness.

2. Gas at what I think of as the cheap gas station is $4.21. And I don't own nor know how to ride a bike. This is concerning.

Nothing more to see around here. Carry on.

Half a double feature

I love double features. Two movies back-to-back on the big screen for which you pay one ticket price. Man. That's a great idea. I particularly like double features at the Castro Theatre because they have all the excellent qualities of double features everywhere [see above] and they are also at the Castro Theatre, my favorite place in San Francisco. However, things seem to have gone awry over there this month because one element of double features is that they ought to have some thematic link. Or actor link. Or director link. Or some damn link other than "they are both about couples." This week, Funny Face is playing (yay!) in a double bill with Love Streams (boo!). I was not previously familiar with Love Streams, but I watched the trailer and wanted to kill myself after about 70 seconds.

Here are some questions for you, Love Streams:
1. Do you have Audrey Hepburn? (no)
2. Do you make me wish to be kissed in a charming bookstore? (no) [To be fair I pretty much always want to be kissed in a charming bookstore, regardless of the movie I'm watching, so maybe I'll give you a pass on that one. Maybe.]
3. Do you make me want to glide down a marble staircase in Paris holding a chiffon scarf over my head and saying, "I don't want to stop. Take the picture!"? (no)
4. Does Fred Astaire ask for forgiveness by way of a dance in a Parisian courtyard? (no)
5. Do you make me wish to own at least 80% of the clothes worn by female characters? (Don't be ridiculous. You were made in 1984)
6. Just to be sure...no Audrey Hepburn? (still no)
7. Are you depressing beyond imagining? (apparently)

Right. So who the hell programmed you with Funny Face and ruined my Thursday evening?

Now, in the spirit of things that have nothing to do with other things: an anecdote.

This weekend I organized a meeting of some students at a student's house. The student's dog, Cinnamon, was terribly excited to have eight people in her living room, dropping snacks. She became a bit too, um, present for me at one point and I asked the student if he could rein her in. "Cinnamon!" he said, loudly and sharply. Then he looked at me and said, "Um, she's not actually trained." I laughed for about ten minutes.

Are you a dog owner who likes to entertain? Is your dog sticking her nose in your guests' laps with too much gusto? Feel free to say your dog's name with a great deal of authority. You never know, maybe something useful will happen. Perhaps she's trained herself while you were at work one day. Always worth a try.

Cruel and unusual

I check my email compulsively all day long because You Just Never Know when someone might be thinking of you and send you some amusing note or declaration of love or party invitation or something. Also, I'm quite bored much of the time. It is hardly surprising then that I become quite excited when the little (1) shows up, indicating that I have a new message. Nor is it the least surprising that when the new message--the sole message I've received in the last five hours--proves to be an offer of a coupon for a 2.5 hour Segway ride through Golden Gate Park, I become just that much more embittered.

Foresight

When you are brainstorming about possible mascots or icons for your athletic team, you should bear in mind that at some point, probably quite soon, whatever you decide on will be bandied about versus whatever some other team has decided on. And, because it's sports, you will want to sound all bad-ass and threatening. That's why--although they are widely popular things and would probably make for great fan appreciation days--nobody chooses The Puppies or The Cupcakes. And yet today, when I was half listening to a litany of imminent matchups on NPR news, I heard "The Sharks take on the Maple Leaves."

It's true that if unexpectedly covered by a flurry of maple leaves, sharks would probably be baffled and thus bested, but one wonders if that is the kind of battle that hockey fans are really looking for? I'm looking at you, Canada.

Weekend

In brief.
1. I told a story at Previously Secret Information and it was good! Not as good as Joe's story about his unreliable temporarily cemented tooth, but good nevertheless. It's always a relief when people laugh. (I mean, when you're trying to be funny.) It's hard to tell when you're rehearsing alone in the living room.

2. I bid farewell to a really wonderful man. It sucked. Though I choose not to blather on too much about my romantic endeavors here, I am still out there on the epic quest, trying to do the right thing along the way. Frankly, it is exhausting. And confusing. I'll miss him. The woman smart enough to hang on to him will be very lucky indeed.

I hope to be amusing again soon.