Oops. Switch that.

I was just intrigued by an online headline that I read as "Who's having 15 babies? Surprising facts."

Unfortunately (or fortunately I guess if you were the mother to be), it actually says "Who's having babies? 15 surprising facts."

That's far less interesting. Plus I already know the answer: all my friends. And there's nothing too surprising about it. I mean, they're married and all.

Their dark secret

As I walked out of Whole Foods with my organic nectarines and special prawn wraps, I passed a Whole Foods employee who was headed back into the store. In one hand, he held a cardboard tray with four 20-ounce sodas and in the other, a large plastic bag. The cups and the bag were emblazoned with two words: Taco Bell.

Nothing but the best

I really appreciate the lengths to which TrenItalia has gone to expidite my train travel to Italian airports. I can't tell you how many times I've been on my way to the airport wishing I could in suit relax and avoid all those darn tails. Grazie mille, TrenItalia!


The Local Transport of Trenitalia has instituted connections (direct and metropolitan services) between the cities of Palermo , Rome and Pisa and you respect airports in order to allow to you the travellers to save on the transfer costs and to optimize to the maximum the times of distance, travelling comfortable, sure, fast and in suit relax, avoiding the tails and the automotive traffic.

Bad guys

I love Trevor at Bank of America because when he was trying to explain exactly how fraud had been perpetrated with my stolen checks he got into some murky syntactical waters filled with too many pronouns. Finally he said, "Okay, let's just call them the Bad Guys. The Bad Guys took your check into the branch..."

Dear Bad Guys,
Everything's been canceled so it's of no use to you anyway. However, if you want to keep my credit cards as a souvenir, you may. There are some things I'd like back, though. Could you please send me my Free Sandwich card, my old drivers license from Oregon (because I was just 23 and it is one of the only pictures I've ever liked of myself), that gift certificate that my brother gave me for Christmas (I was saving it until I found just the right sweater), and also my childhood library card? Oh, and while you're at it, could I have my wallet back? It's magenta and turquoise and probably doesn't match your stuff, but I really liked it. Thanks.

Oh, by the way, your mother is terribly ashamed of you. Please mend your ways.

Sincerely,
Someone who used to have no opinion of you, who now wishes you ill

Multi-lingual

Learning another language is a tricky business. Pitfalls galore. For example, I learned in my Italian class that "piano" means floor of a building, slow, and (unsurprisingly) piano. My friend Marja reasonably asked me, "So, how do you say 'move the piano slowly to the third floor'?" I have no idea.

Along these lines, I was dining with a Frenchman last night who inquired what I would like to eat. I replied "La soupe et le connard." That would be fine if indeed that meant "the soup and the duck," but it doesn't. Duck is "canard."

I actually said, "I'll have the soup and the asshole."

Oops.